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HOLY F*CK, I JUST WATCHED DISNEY’S FROZEN

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My Late Movie Review: How Late? A Few Fucking Months.

Holy fuck. This movie is so unbelievably fuck-full of awesome. It’s like someone took everything that makes Disney movies great and crammed it up this movie’s frigid keister. Have you seen this shit? Have you? Have your kids? I just watched a digital copy of this movie FROM MY FUCKING TABLET, and I was blown the fuck away. Why, oh, why did I wait so long to see this movie, jeezuscriste!

Let’s start with the plot. That heart-humping plot. You find me a better plot from a Disney movie, and I will eat my shit. I mean it. Dynamic and empowered (in various “holy shit”-inducing ways) female characters, that’s what’s in store for your ass. But you already know that, don’t you, because I’m so goddamn late seeing this movie.

And that powerful message about being yourself and giving fucknothing what people may think of your differences. To celebrate who you are and what makes you special and not hide it like a cowardly and ashamed little bitch. Those are the lessons you breeders need to be teaching your spawn, ladies and gentlemen. Look at how much god-awfulness happened because Elsa was forced to deny her true self! No, parents, you teach your shitty, little teet-leeches to fucking flaunt what the god you may-or-may-not-believe-in gave ‘em like a Kentucky stripper flaunts the pimples around her poorly-shaven snizz.

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And, holy shit, that whole bit about marrying someone you just met and the whole twist on an act of true love? Was that fucking commentary on Disney itself? Are they actually saying something subversive about their own tropes? How meta! You’re so tits, Disney!

Setting = Awesome.

Characters = Awesome +.

Animation = Awesome + Rockin’ it!

This Pixar-less Disney flick gives Pixar Disney flicks a run for their money. Why? Because she has Iceman powers! Fucking Iceman, man! He cometh! He cometh in the form of Elsa, the ultimate badass! She’s got all the nigh-martial art, waterbender action goin’ that I just was not expecting from a goddamn Disney princess movie. That moment when she decides that not nearly enough of everything is frozen solid and builds herself a Fortress of Solitude: I, and every other gay man I’m sure, nearly jizzed. All over. But I don’t shoot white stuff nearly as elegantly as Elsa, the White Queen.

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And speaking of that scene; best Disney song EVER. No, there is no argument here. Just stop it. Fucking stop arguing with me. All your arguments are without merit, because, clearly, you’re just being sentimental. Yes, I know you grew up in the Disney Renaissance, so did I. But all the Little Mermaids and the Beauty and the Beasts can eat shit and move the fuck over thanks to one goddamn song. ”Let It Go”was like ecstasy for my ears, the drug AND the feeling. Nothing beats it, and you know that I’m right, so your childhood memories of growing up with the finest Disney had to offer can go to hell, because this new generation has it now. We can only hope that this fucking movie is a harbinger of more greatness to come, essentially giving us the Shocker. But instead of two in the pink and one in the stink, it’s finger-bangin’ your ears and eyes without lube but WITH Broadway style music and stunning CGI. 

Give it to me, Disney. Give me more, yeah, oh god, give me more harder! And fast!

And if you haven’t seen this yet, for chrissakes don’t wait a moment longer!

I Rate It: Fuck YEAH!

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